Mlada vdova, ki nam je s svojo voljo do življenja lahko vsem za zgled
Ovdovela pri 25 letih s petimi otroki
Pred štirimi leti je njen mož Martin zbolel in umrl za rakom. Rosno mladi par je imel pet otrok, ki so takrat ostali brez očeta. Emily ima čudovit profil na instagramu, kjer redno objavlja utrinke iz življenja svoje družine.
Pred nekaj leti se je ponovno poročila – s prijateljem iz najstniških let in rodila še eno majhno deklico. Njun dom pa zdaj šteje kar šest – pretežno rdečelasih – otrok, zato zase pravi, da je mama lisica šestim malim lisičkam in se njen blog na instagramu imenuje The freckled fox ali Pegasta lisica.
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Happy Earth Day gang:) ❤️🌎♻️. I haven’t shared much about my childhood, but I grew up in a cabin in the woods. We planted a massive garden and lived off the land as much as we could. We also camped all summer long, and I knew how to build fires and ‘leave no trace’ and prep for a week of backpacking by the time I was about 10.haha I’ve always loved nature and I long to spend time swallowed up in it. As long as I can remember, it’s been SO important to me to pass on to my children a love of Mother Earth as well as a respect and appreciation for all she is and does, and I’m happy to say that it seems to be working thus far:) It’s so rewarding to drive through a beautiful forest, or over a bridge, and have all the kiddies shout to one another in wonder and awe. May we all strive for the same profound respect and innocent appreciation that our children have of our beautiful home.🌎🌱🦦. Xoxo || Photo with my five girls by my dearest @roxanabphotography 💕💕💕
Vedro ledu, ki nikoli ne izgine
Pred nekaj meseci je na četrto obletnico moževe smrti zapisala:
Včeraj so minila štiri leta od Martinove smrti … Štiri. V nekaterih pogledih se mi zdi resnično dolgo, toda zakaj se še vedno spomnim vsake sekunde njegovih zadnjih trenutkov? Lahko zaprem oči, se vrnem poleg njega, se spomnim njegovega obrata in cenim vsak njegov težak vdih.
Nekdo mi je poslal osemsekundni video, ki ga je posnel, ko sva v noči, preden je umrl, z Martinom ležala skupaj na njegovi bolniški postelji. Ko sem gledala njegovo težko dihanje, sem se počutila, kot da bi nekdo name zlil vedro ledu.
Ta video sem gledala znova in znova, ure in ure, ko sem kot 25-letna vdova s petimi otroki ležala zvita na postelji. Gledala sem ga, ga vpijala, želela sem si, da bi se lahko vrnila nazaj v trenutek, ko je bil še živ, ko je še dihal. Venomer sem pritiskala: play, play, play in spet play. Mučila sem samo sebe, ko sem podoživljala tisti trenutek, ko je bil še z mano.
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To my Marty..⠀ You made me a mother, just as I made you a father, and that’ll forever be the most significant turning point of my life. Starting our life together began a cascade of events that would lead to such a fairytale, so much peace and beauty that turned into an unrealistic dream, a life that I’ll never forget. It did turn into a whirlwind of pain and heartache as I lost you, a path to hurt and torment that I could never imagine-but it’s benefited so many others, I know that you feel fulfilled in your life’s path. A reason for the hurt that you’ve felt, to be an example. You LOVED being a father, and I’ll never forget your last ‘Father’s Day’ with us, especially.⠀ The leaders of the children in our church were preparing a program of songs to honor the Fathers, and Ellie expressed sadness that her daddy wouldn’t be well enough to attend.⠀ So what did they do? A week before Father’s Day (two days before you passed), the leaders brought all the little children to our front lawn (placing our kiddos front and center), and the program was performed just for you(and I), as I tried to keep you awake:) That moment when I opened the door to walk you out and saw all those little faces staring back at us, knowing that it would be the last time the kids were able to perform for you, their daddy, it was too much to handle and I just bawled the entire time. It was such a huge blessing, such a beautiful blessing. The pride in the kiddos faces as they sang to you, (I’m choosing not to share the video out of respect for the privacy of the other children and leaders) and the smiles as they belted out the words of the songs to their dad, knowing you would always remember their love and devotion to them, I’ll never forget it.⠀ ⠀ Happy Belated Father’s Day Marty. I love you forever, and they love you as their daddy and they remember you every. single. day.💕⠀
Štiri leta pozneje še vedno čutim tisto vedro ledu, pravzaprav zelo pogosto. Tudi leta po tem, ko sem predelovala vso to travmo, se z njo soočala, jo spoznavala, ko sem se trudila, da bi bila tukaj za moje otroke, najbolje kot le zmorem. Led je še vedno tukaj in naučila sem se, da ne pričakujem več, da bo kdaj izginil.
Živeti z bolečino in iti naprej
Tovrstno žalovanje se nikoli ne konča. Ni cilja, zaključka. Ne, spremenimo se v bojevnike in se naučimo soočati s tem poleg vsega ostalega, s čimer se moramo ukvarjati. Je kot težak nahrbtnik, ki ga moraš nositi 24 ur na dan, vse dni v tednu in nikoli nisi brez njega. Od take stvari si nikoli ne opomoreš.
Vsakdo, ki ti reče, da prenehaj živeti in prekini s prihodnostjo, očitno ni nikoli spoznal vrednosti tistih osmih sekund. Dragocenosti tistih malih trenutkov, preden so njegove roke zamrznile v mojih. Čas je tako dragocen in ne smemo ga zapraviti s tem, da skušamo živeti po pričakovanjih sveta na račun svojih. Živeti v nesreči in žalosti samo zato, da bi zadovoljili nekoga drugega. To je treba končati.
Čas ne zaceli vseh ran. Čas ti da možnost, da se soočiš z bolečino, namesto da bi se skril pred njo, da ti priložnost, da zrasteš in da daješ, bolj kot si kadarkoli prej. Ne postane lažje, ti postaneš močnejši. Nihče nima pravice pretvarjati se, da ve, kako moraš žalovati bolje od tebe, kajti za to ne obstaja vodič. Vem, ker sem preverila.
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If you don’t think photos are important, wait until they’re all you have left. 💔 We took these pictures were on our last little walk as The Three Musketeers (Myself and Martin and his/our best friend Kent), it was also the last day he was able to talk lucidly to us for a bit. Seeing them hurts my heart for sure, but they also make me smile-sometimes through tears- and I am SO grateful that we have so many photos of him our family, with friends and with the children, right up until the end of his life. 💔 Martin had to push and remind me often in the beginning to take photos and videos and there were times others would insist that I shouldn’t take any or would object to taking photos with him because I wouldn’t want to remember this part of our life, but I wouldn’t trade these for anything. I wouldn’t erase the memories of those months while he was sick, while he was so strong and we fought so hard. I loved him just as much while he was sick if not more than I ever had. I can’t forget how I nearly killed myself caring for him and our five kiddos. I won’t pretend that part of our life never happened. It’s the only way any of the kids remember him, and all they see is a brave fighter, nothing less. Those months changed and shaped our whole world and how we live, and how we move forward is in his honor. Bottom line: If you’re thinking about canceling the family photos, please reconsider. Stop avoiding the camera until you lose that extra weight or get your braces off, etc. Matching outfits or not, blurry or clear, just take them. You’ll never regret having photos, but my biggest regret is NOT taking more photos of Marty before he died. If you want a pro photographer, I have lots of recommendations for you:) If that’s not in the budget, put your phone on a tripod and take them yourself. Take 20. Take 1000. Take photos every day and don’t take any more moments for granted. You never know when a moment could be your last. P.s. all the thousands of photos taken of him in his prime are now just as important for the kids as the photos of the way they remember him. Photos are now the strongest inspiration for the stories we share of him. So take the darn photos.❤